Happy 51st!

Did I get dumped on my birthday? Some might say that is questionable.
Do I feel like I got dumped on my birthday? YES!

It was going to be a beautiful day today and I guess it still will be. But, I cried today.

I cried today, like a lot, because of love. Children of Alcoholics only want be loved. We never truly felt loved by our parents. So deep down inside of us we’ve never had it unless we found it later on in our teenage years, or 20s, or 30s, or 40s. But I’m 51. I’ve been involved. I’ve had relationships, but I’ve never been with somebody that truly loved me or wanted to be committed to me. The two relationships I had, only one called me his girlfriend toward the end of our relationship and the other use to joke to others about me being his wife, but never had ever talked to me about a commitment. But neither of these, were the type of relationships where you date, officially make it exclusive (probably because if they were caught seeing other people they could say that we weren’t really a couple. One did say that to me!), and ever even led to the words, I love you. So, for five decades, well, maybe the last 20 years, I learned to love myself. My son also loved me and my family loved me as much as they could with their own dysfunction and definition of what love is. But, as I learned what true love is and being loved was, I wanted it.  The only true love I’ve ever felt is from my son. And, there’s a human part of us that needs someone else to love us besides ourselves and our own family.

grace lozadaSo, my birthday is going to be a full day of fun. I’m going to ride my bike to have lunch with my son and his girlfriend at the beach and have dinner with a longtime girlfriend that I’ve known since we were teenagers. I will still do these things, even though I am upset. But like most birthdays, a part of me didn’t want to be alone tonight. So, I texted someone that I’ve been seeing and talking to for a few months now. No, I don’t want a relationship with him, maybe down the road, but I do like him. I like him a lot and I don’t get like this over many men I meet. I do like spending time with him. If I could change a few things about him, he’d definitely be somebody I truly wanted in a person. After we first met, he said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship at that time, which was fine with me until I met him. The vibe was good, the conversation was good, who he was and his interests were were good. I was kind of taken back by it clicking so well between us. Overtime I realized it was the qualities that I liked and wanted in a man. I enjoyed keeping in touch with him. So until that person, my person, showed up with hopefully some of the same qualities and engagement, he had, he would do – I thought! But, I did like him a lot. So, this birthday morning I text him to see what he was up to tonight, and I got this long winded text about how we couldn’t see each other anymore, that he was looking for serious relationship now, and wanted to build on that and having a family of his own, etc. etc. I loved his honesty and thanked him for it. But as soon as our text ended, I started to cry. And then I started to cry some more. The crying wasn’t because he wasn’t available. At that very moment it was because why couldn’t someone like him, or anybody decent, have ever come along in my life.

I was yet reminded again of what I don’t have and what I’ve never had. I am beginning to resent the 7 1/2 years I wasted on someone in my 20s into early 30s. I knew I was never going to make a future with that guy, but I wasted so many years on him. The resentment is huge at times like this. And there is this little smart, healed, part of my intellect that knows even if I didn’t waste those years on that guy that I still wasn’t ready to have a decent, respectful, loving, nurturing, kind man in my life. But, the resentment and the time wasted is still there. And then for 6 1/2 years after that, I didn’t date or meet anyone. I was too busy raising my son on my own and trying to unravel that relationship. I was trying to learn from it. And then after all that time, I got involved with an addict and for a year and a half it was great at times and it was turbulent at times. Then he, that I thought was the love of my life (just if he could get sober like he had done before), and probably the only man I’ve really loved, died. And after that, I take another nine years gaining weight, not wanting to date, having intimacy issues because I don’t want to love another man, that I finally now get to the point that I can love again, want to be loved, and know what type of person I want in my life.

Life just seems to pass me by so quickly in this department. And the thing that brings me back to tears is that all I ever wanted was for someone to finally love me in that way. To make it official, to try to be my partner in life, to say, I love you and don’t want to be without you.

So, I’m not devastated over this guy (I don’t think. Well, maybe just a little.), but I’m just yet reminded again that there’s a little part of me that yearns for love like that and from someone like him.

Now it’s time to get myself together, I have to ride my bike out to the beach and meet up with my son and his girlfriend for lunch. The tears may flow, but I am trying to remind myself of how lovable I am, how beautiful life is, and how I will hold onto the fact that I believe, hope, my person will eventually find me.

birthday flowersIt hurts when time and time again though it feels like you keep getting your heart broken or you keep on falling short in the end of not getting that love that you want so badly. As a child of an alcoholic, a moment like this triggers all those unwanted feelings of no self-worth, no love, no value, and no nurturing that occurred in your childhood. Or, at least the inconsistency of it. You craved for any love from your parent or parents. You wanted to be enough. You wanted to be more important than the drug or the alcohol or the chaos. You just wanted to be loved. So when you feel like once again someone that you like doesn’t love you or like you enough to see what could develop, it brings up all those feelings. Even the, why not me. What is wrong with me, is asked.

Nothing is wrong with me. I know that. Yes, I’ve wasted a lot of time on people that didn’t deserve me or weren’t going to be healthy relationships anyway. Also, for so long I wasn’t healed when it came to this. I needed to unpack all that and learn from it, too. Also, like my girlfriend reminded me – I was handling shit; raising a child on my own and putting myself through school. Nothing is wrong with anybody. ACoAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics) are lovable and some can be the most giving and empathetic people out there because they have been through a lot. You may have done a lot of healing, you may have learned to love your inner child, you may know your own self-worth, but the fact is that it still hurts when someone turns away from you. Those feelings come back, even if it’s for like me, just for a few minutes or hours. But as a friend reminded me on this day, as I said to her and cried, it does get easier and it doesn’t hurt as bad or as long. relationship goals

I will hold onto this today – You know who you are! You know you’re lovable, you know you have strength that other people don’t have because they haven’t gone through the shit you have gone through, you know you have compassion and empathy and you know you have a lot of love to give. It’s just taking you a little longer to find love and the right person.

I will keep reminding myself that I wasn’t ready for a healthy relationship back then. I will stop resenting the time I wasted. I was healing, recovering, and just taking care of business.

Love will come. That healthy love that I deserve. I just have to have faith in that.

 

 

* This was written on Sunday, my actual birthday (March 7th). See previous post, https://wp.me/p4g3TO-uG to read about the guy that sent me the text written about in this blog post. I believe I’ve mentioned him in other posts prior, too. And by the way, he had no idea it was my birthday. He was very sweet and apologetic about what he was texting. Unfortunately for me, another sweet quality (thoughtfulness) he has.

#relationships #relationshipgoals #readyforlove #childrenofalcoholics

Never take anything for granted

You really can’t take anything for granted. Family, friends, work, a paycheck, bike rides, sunsets, days off, taking pictures, hugs, kisses, holding hands, the beach, the sun, a walk at the beach or through a favorite museum, ACA meetings, eating out, and sitting in the sun for hours.Whatever it is, try to never take anything for granted. And know, that we make this little sacrifice to save lives.

Happy Holidays to all!


Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself.

Peace on Earth, good will to men,
kind thoughts and words of cheer,
are things we should use often
and not just once a year.

You Can Choose

You can choose to stay in the hurt and pain.
You can choose to remain angry.
You can choose to be like them.
You can choose to continue victimizing yourself.
You can choose to live in the negative.
You can choose to throw it all away. 

 

 

 

Or,

You can choose to live with love.
You can choose to live in the light.
You can choose to live seeing and being in nature.
You can choose enjoying loved ones.
You can choose enjoying listening or seeing your favorite band.
You can choose to have that delicious meal.
You can choose going to a city that you love or enjoying the experience of getting to know a new one.
You can choose to bask all day in the sun or to play in the snow.
You can choose to stay in, under the covers, on a cozy couch, watching a great movie.
You can choose achieving those goals that you set forth for yourself that makes you feel accomplished.
You can choose to have that 1st date that you have been anticipating for days.
You can choose to fall in love.
You can choose to have a child or as many children as you desire.
You can choose to learn new things that bring you pleasure.
You can choose to continue doing that thing you are passionate about.
You can choose to get older, being able to look back on your life and smile because it’s been interesting and you’ve loved it, even with its ups and downs. 

  

The choice is yours.
What are you going to choose?

#ACoA #recoveryispossible #12steps

The pain can stop, if you just hold on.

Years ago, what seems like lifetimes ago, I tried killing myself a few times.

I wanted the pain to end.
I wanted the life I had to end.

But, what I really wanted was a new life, a different life than the one I had.
It’s all about change and the choices one must make to change their life.
If you ever feel – you want out, remember this – your life, your situation is only temporary.

I know it may not feel like it and you feel like you can’t take it, live it one more day. But, if you hold on, you can get through this, and your life can be different. It can be just how you want it!
It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight.

But, there are pleasures out there. There are hilarious, beautiful experiences waiting for you to have.
Just hold on and find something that helps you get through this and benefits your future.

You were given life because it needs you!
Much love, Grace!

Signed Book Giveaway! Enter soon!

Many years ago I had a calling ~ to share my story. As a teenager, I thought I was the only one that was going through what I was going through. But, there are millions out there that have been given a tough life. For those of you, please don’t give up.
Evolving to Grace is a memoir about perseverance, strength, spiritual evolution, and the choices one must make to change one’s path. I share my life’s experiences, my journey—finding my way out of darkness—discovering hope, positivity, strength, happiness and the right path for the life I choose to live. I write about many challenges I’ve had to face and overcome—either due to alcoholism, depression, violence, rape and being a single mother on welfare.

I could be labeled many things: illegal, ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic), domestic violence survivor, excessive alcohol and drug user, rape victim, assault victim, hitchhiker, high school dropout, call girl, and single mother on welfare. But, these are just situations I ended up in when I was lost and broken. I’ve learned from my past and I am evolving to find my grace in this beautiful thing we call life. I believe by sharing my story, we all can learn from one another or at least find more compassion and understanding. We can change our destiny, our path.

And now I’m giving away a few signed copies of my memoir! Enter on Goodreads.com for your chance to win!

For book bloggers/reviews, please direct message me.📖
Also available at Amazon.com, ibooks, and B&N.com.

#nomoreweek #endthestigma #youarenotalone

I am a Modern Muse! I am completely honored.

I was so honored and touched that UGauGrrl nominated me for their Modern Muse.
Ugaugrrl sets to Inspire, Empower, and make an Impact.
UGauGrrl’s mission is to inspire every woman and girl to recognize the muse within herself and empower her to find her purpose so that she can make her singular impact on the world.

My interview:

What inspired you to do the work that you do/motivates you today?

“Why I write? I write because at an early age a voice told me to write down words, sentences that were coming to me. Prior, I had never been one who was interested in poetry, but little did I know that I would be gifted ever so-lightly with phrases/sentences. Now, I write to share myself with others and to hopefully inspire people that they can get through anything and that they are not alone.

“Why I photograph? I have had a passion for taking pictures since I was 6. My mother had fancy, professional cameras always, and the very first time I got one and went on a field trip to the zoo, I was hooked!”

 “I fought and continue to fight to make better choices and finally learned to love myself.

How did you get to where you are and what challenges did/do you face?
“I got to where I am by sheer determination to not follow in my mother’s footsteps. As a teenager, I did veer in her direction, abusing alcohol and drugs, allowing others to mistreat me, but I fought and continue to fight to make better choices and finally learned to love myself.”

Who is your she-ro?
“J.K. Rowling is my she-ro because she was also on public assistance as a single mother, as I was after I had my son. She believed in her story (Harry Potter) and didn’t give up. After becoming the wealthiest woman in Great Britain, she donates a lot to charity.”

What does the term”UGauGrrl” (“you go girl”) mean to you?
“The term ‘UGauGrrl’ means to me: a girl that defies the odds based on what used to be society’s standards or defies the odds based on her circumstances. We have brains, intellect, strength (physical, emotional, mental), and perfectly can combine those with love, compassion and understanding. We can do it all, and we can do anything!”

Favorite quote:
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Check out my video and the complete Modern Muse post at: http://ugaugrrl.com/2017/01/modernmuse-survivor-grace-lozada/

Also, check out their wearable inspiration! A collection of stylish t-shirts that feature women of yesterday and today who are muses in their own right as well as words of inspiration.

 

#interview #modernmuse

A week later.

Hello lovelies!

Just got back home late last night from spending the last week in the hospital with my dad. He’s still in icu, still on the ventilator, and still sedated. They found 2 bacteria strains, which is causing his bacterial pneumonia, but they can’t understand why his lungs are bleeding. Tests still have yet to be back and he’s wasn’t running a temp today – which is great! But ots still a day to day, hour to hour situation. 😔
Hold your love ones closely, tell them you l0ve them all the time.

holding-hands
You never know when you may get another chance.

 

 

 

#agingparents

CyberSale going on now!

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There are millions out there that have been given a tough life. For those of you, please don’t give up. ❤✌❤
Evolving to Grace is a memoir about perseverance, strength, spiritual evolution, and the choices one must make to change one’s path. I share my life’s experiences, my journey—finding my way out of darkness—discovering hope, positivity, strength, happiness and the right path for the life I choose to live. I write about many challenges I’ve had to face and overcome—either due to alcoholism, depression, violence, rape and being a single mother on welfare.
I believe in by sharing my story, we all can learn from one another or at least find more compassion and understanding. ❤✌❤

#CyberSale at Amazon and iTunes is going on now! Free shipping for Prime on Amazon.

#ACoA #AdultChildrenofAlcoholics #memoir

Holiday Sale

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Holiday sale! Make sure that you don’t miss out on this discount. This offer won’t last.

Evolving to Grace is a memoir about perseverance, strength, spiritual evolution, and the choices one must make to change one’s path. Grace shares her life’s experiences, her journey—finding her way out of darkness—discovering hope, positivity, strength, happiness and the right path for the life she chose to live. She writes about many challenges she has had to face and overcome—either due to alcoholism, depression, violence, rape and being a single mother on welfare.

Grace could be labeled many things: illegal, ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic), domestic violence survivor, excessive alcohol and drug user, rape victim, assault victim, hitchhiker, high school dropout, call girl, and single mother on welfare. But, these are just situations she ended up in when she was lost and broken. She has learned from her past and she is evolving to find her grace in this beautiful thing we call life. She believes by sharing her story that we all can learn from one another or at least find more compassion and understanding. We can change our destiny, our path.

 

#sale #booksale #holidaysale
#cyberMonday #blackfriday #cyberweekend

Lttr to the suffering, hold on.

Dear ones that are suffering,

Please hold on. Don’t give up. Life will get better.

It took me a long time to get to other side of feeling hopeless, like life was always going to be hopeless. I am so beyond happy that I survived to the point I never want to leave this world.
PLEASE, seek help. Counselors, psychologists. Talk to someone. Find someone to help you find someone.
When life is over, it’s over. No more chances to do the things you love, no more chances to experience something you’ve always wanted to try, no more saying, “fuck you” and finally walking away from that thing or people that add to your depression.
Please never give up. Life is beautiful.

Much love,
Grace

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#fightdepression

Where I am in my life, for now.

It has been many years since I finished Evolving to Grace. Since then, I’ve come a long way from being that woman that was confused by what life was having her go through. I learned that whatever happens to us or the people that come into our lives are all opportunities for us to learn from, whether they are good or bad. I don’t believe that anything happens by accident or is coincidental. I am also no longer that girl that was destructive and a victim, losing herself in alcohol and countless bad choices. Though I am not “cured” or “normal”, whatever that means, I acknowledge I do still have some things to work on, but I have done a damn good job on the things I have overcome. I know that nothing becomes perfect or changes overnight–it is a process. So, year by year, things have gotten better. There are moments that are challenging for me, but those times are regular life situations that I am dealing with rather than the toxic, negative, dysfunctional behavior or situations that I used to be around. It is all about finding hope, optimism and a good perspective on things, which I work on having on a daily basis, and for the most part, I would say I have most of the time. On the days that I am not working, I choose to do what I want to do with my time. I am usually relaxing, spending time with people I enjoy, doing something productive that makes my brain and body feel good, or just investing in something that motivates me more to be a better person. In my real life–my 9-5, I work in Accounting. I like what I do in my career life, but I am working on leaving behind the corporate world in hopes that one day I will be doing photography and writing on a full-time basis, because returning back to my creative side is what I am truly passionate about.

I couldn’t be happier for my son, also. He is at a prominent university in Southern California and enjoying life. He loves film, music and is a happy, hilarious, and a compassionate young man with so many possibilities in front of him. I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome for him.

I am a warrior, a survivor, and optimist. Life is not dark anymore. I’ve triumphed, because I am still a loving, kind, compassionate, and giving individual. I still smile at strangers because why not, you never know who needs it. And, I still have my sense of humor, despite everything. And, though my memoir ends on a sad note and after the grief I had to go through, my life is actually pretty good now. I am happy and content. I live my life on my terms and have positive, supportive people in it. There have been good times throughout my life. Yes, some tragic things may have happened to me, but life is better and I look forward to what lies in my future. I don’t dwell on the past, even though I speak of it from time to time. My past, my heart, and my mind have made me who I am today. I had to experience what I experienced, the good and bad, so that I could learn, grow and love ever so deeply. There is this deep sense of gratitude and love for life, because I have seen darkness, and now all I want to experience is the beauty that life has to offer. I am excited of every day that comes and the endless possibilities–places to see and re-see, new things to experience, people to meet, loves or a love to have in my life, and definitely more books to write–next time, possibly fiction.

I hope my story taught others that the cycle of dysfunction–alcoholism and abuse, can lead to dark paths, but that you can awaken, learn and change your life to break the cycle, because in the end, life is beautiful and amazing! I believe that we all can learn from one another or at least find more compassion and understanding. I, myself, cherish the good moments, and I am excited of what my future holds. I know now that I can overcome anything, and all that I want to do besides writing and photographing is share my story with anyone who will listen so that I can tell them, “You are not alone. You can overcome whatever you are going through. Just believe, find hope, seek help, make better choices and be patient. It will happen. Your life can be different.”

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