Life of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

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Grace Lozada

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January 30, 2016October 3, 2016Grace Lozada

Win a signed copy of Evolving to Grace.

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Blog, Evolving to Grace, Life, Love, Memoir, The Blog ACOA, addiction, alcoholism, Book, depression, domestic violence, Memoir, positivity, rape, survivor Leave a comment

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My lowest point in my life. →

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I wrote a letter to my rapist because I thought it was important and I felt I needed to voice all the things I felt he needed to know his raping me did to me, even though he will never probably read this.

I can’t even explain how therapeutic writing is sometimes. I wrote this back in December and touched it up over the last few days and it is bringing up so much in me.

I love my long hair. I used to really love having short hair, also. When I was a child my mom had my dad take us to get our hair cut at a barbershop. I remember crying hysterically at the barbershop. Between the ages of five to about 17 years old, I’d either have really short hair or shoulder length hair. I learn to like short hair but I don't think I always looked the cutest with it. When I was 16 I shaved all my hair off except my bangs. I really loved that style at that time. Or maybe I just loved how brave I was to do it, especially in such a conservative state like Texas and city like the suburbs of Houston, where we lived. I arrived in California with that haircut and actually a lot of people liked it. But after growing it out, it was rare that I cut it to shoulder length. There were times that I did and I think the last time was in 2008. But cutting it short, later in life, I'd always regret it. There’s also been times that I’ve cut my hair off because I’ve been upset over a guy. Not like a Britney Spears moment, well maybe a little, but it has always been more like a freedom to rebel against what men preferred or what society considers beautiful.

It’s OK to stumble. Sometimes it feels like you’ve never made any progress, but that’s not true. Life will throw at you some of the same situations for you to work out just a little bit more on your healing. It will still hurt. It will still make you sad or even bring you to tears again. But, if you see and step back, you will notice that you get over it sooner, quicker, and you bounce back. You no longer get stuck in the despair or the emotions. You have time to process, analyze, learn from it (maybe saying to yourself, oh yeah, I know where these emotions cause and come from) and you can let it go much better.

Healing doesn’t mean things still don’t hurt you. You can come across the same old situations, that trigger the same old hurts and wounds, but if you’ve been working on yourself or are healed, when faced with these situations they get much easier and hurt much less than before. But they do still hurt! They do still make you sad.

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