Sometimes I Think of How Badly I Really Need a Drink

It’s been a stressful last 5 months. I’ve been sick three times, I’ve been to court three times and had a knee injury. The last court case went well. Deadbeat offered to up monthly child support payments to resolve his balance within a year. But, I think he walked away from that court hearing wondering how he was tricked into that. So far, one day pass his deadline, and he has not paid. I wish this matter could get resolved. As most of you guys know, I never received child support when my son was a minor. The CS case started when my son was 13, after I found deadbeat and took him to court. I only started receiving child support when my son was 22. He is now 28. My life and my son’s life has been affected, altered, by someone who just does not care and is morally bankrupt. What is a woman to do!?!
For the next few days, I guess for now I will start by going back to the gym since I finally got over the flu. A perfect way to work out stress and anger. Then maybe I’ll meditate and journal. And, then I’ll tackle whatever needs to be done about this next week.

* Mind you, this isn’t the only thing that I am going through now or the last 5 months. When you add in little things like – I am not doing what I love like being a photographer full-time, the fear of what this deadbeat might actually do to me, the financial burden this has caused (It took me me 15 years to hire a lawyer and now I don’t know how I am going to continue paying her to garnish the child support still owed. It took everything from my Savings to pay her to get to this point.), and not only the financial stress to hire a lawyer, but the fact of where I am with retirement and just not feeling like I will every really progress financially or with my career as my peers have, and then there is the phone call that left me feeling for that brief moment how I wish I could throw myself into drowning it all into alcohol. The phone call with the family member that I forgot I had shared my child support legal battles these last few months with because I never share anything with her. She, like pretty much every family member, can not hold space for me when I need them to. A moment when she could not make it about her and her past issues, and spin her knowledge though she has no legal degree, has never dealt with child support issues, or been in a court room in more than 40 years. I wasn’t surprised or expected to get support from her. But, I was tired as cut her off, setting my boundary, and got off the phone with her.

I’m still tired and fatigued from being sick. But, I am also tired of people affecting my life. I’m tired of accommodating everyone. I’m tired of being alone in this struggle with the deadbeat.

I know I will get through this and without an escape like taking a drink, or 5! I know I will muster the strength to do what needs to be done to resolve this issue, hopefully for once and for all. There are just times in my life where I wish I can take a drink, or hide in my bed under the covers, or just get lost on an island for a week or two. The problem with that is, my issues that I have to deal with, will still be there for me to deal with.

#acoa #aca #adultchildrenofalcoholics #breakthecycle #sober #healing #singlemom #recoveryispossible

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I'm passionate about kindness and learning from past mistakes. I'm a photographer, writer, author, survivor, ACoA, and single mom.

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