Are you involved with or dating a narcissist?

Subtle things to watch out for if you suspect something wrong in your partner:

Narcissists might like you but only because it relates to something they either do or that will benefit them. I dated a narcissist and after a couple weeks, I kept on asking him what he liked about me. Not that I needed some reassuring, but he really wasn’t getting to know me, asking me the tough questions, or trying to learn about my past and where I came from. So, I was more like scratching my head on what he liked about me besides my outside appearance and how I made him feel calm and relaxed. He had no problem telling me how pretty I was. But when I’d ask him, it was like he was always thinking about it, not knowing what to say. He did comment on that he liked that I can keep up with him, physically. He’s very active. He also told me once that he liked that I could be somebody he could count on because I had told him that I was dependable. This was said after the question of, what makes me a good girlfriend, was asked. I think from the few times I asked him, what he liked about me, he really only could answer twice. Which made me think, he had no idea and he didn’t know me.

When you’re dating someone or just getting to know somebody, yes, outside appearances or being attracted to that person is important. But once you get past your 20s and hopefully 30s, you’re looking for a connection, something deeper than the outside. Besides compatibility and common interests, you want to get to know someone and know what makes them them. You want to know what makes them happy and what makes them sad and possibly, why. You want to know what their passionate about. You want to know if they’re kind, have empathy, are family oriented (if not, why), what struggles they’ve had, or what struggles they’re trying to overcome. You want to know what goals they wish to achieve. You want to know what they want out of a relationship and how they perceive commitment and why. You want to know a lot about a person if you’re really into them.

Narcissists are very good at pointing out their physical flaws which might be facial features or maybe their weight. They are aware of their flaws and their appearance and have no issue about doing anything about it. But, a narcissist is also really good at pointing out your flaws, but they do it indirectly. They might say something to the effect of, Would you ever get a boob job. They never directly say that they have an issue with your size of breasts. Or, they might interject, after you mention that you don’t sleep well and clinch and grind your teeth, that they’ll say something to the effect of, Oh, is that why your teeth are all like that. They’re very subtle, but they’re also very superficial.

Narcissists will rarely ask you how you are doing or how your day went and this is possibly because they don’t care. They will never ask deep questions to get to know who you are on the inside. They’re never curious about you or how you are or how your life is. They might ask, what makes you a good girlfriend. They ask questions of how you are as who you are when it relates to how you’ll be with them. Not who you are with everybody else or what kind of integrity or what kind of character you may have.

If you share something about yourself or about your day, they usually don’t respond – or don’t know how to respond. They will remain completely silent. You won’t even hear, oh, that’s interesting or that’s great! You rarely, if ever, hear a narcissist say to anyone, thank you or I’m sorry or that must have been hard. It is almost like they have not lived or been connecting to understand life and challenges people go through. They lack depth or understanding.

Narcissists will get tiffed if you don’t know something about them, even if you’ve only known them a very short period of time. You should know everything about them, even though you truly don’t. They can’t take a step back to think, oh, this person hasn’t gotten to no this part of me, let me just tell them, show them, or explain.

Narcissists believe that they do everything correctly. They will say to you that they know the right way of doing things because they have experience and have figured out the correct way. They say that they are open to suggestions but that in the past they’ve listened and that they still know the best way. They are super critical and judgmental. They never see anything wrong with themselves.

Narcissists have big egos. For some people, we might be attracted to confident or cocky people. But there’s a difference between a little cocky, playful, self or somebody that exudes confidence and someone that runs entirely on an ego that needs to be reassured by you listening and doing what they want. I’m not sure if narcissists and egos go hand-in-hand, but when they do they can be quite dangerous. It will be like spending your day with someone that just gets agitated with you when you have your own opinions and thoughts, might question something they’re doing, or come into a relationship with your own experience on what works best for you. There’s no middle ground for narcissistic people. If you get involved with a narcissistic person, there’s no flexibility or compromise. They can’t bend. They are so tightly wound and have to be in control, and may have a little OCD. But some of them, the ones that have figured out that maybe some people realize this about them, will try to be subtle about it. But if you come into their space, you will see that there is nothing zen about them. They have a hard time letting people be who they are. There’s no tolerance. They don’t always have to express their intolerance of you by yelling or shouting or fighting with you. But they’ll be subtle in their small remarks or digs, their sighs, their negative head gestures or looks at you, or their physical actions of annoyance.

You may have common interests with a person that is narcissistic or has narcissistic qualities and you both seem to want a relationship and it all seems like you’re on the same page with what you want to do in the future, but be careful to get involved with a narcissistic person. You can be easily duped at first. It will seem like they are so into you, but as soon as they start asking numerous shallow questions with no deep questions to get to know you, take a step back. When they say that for a few days that they were so busy that they didn’t even have a second to think of you, run. If you find that someone is not curious about you, even though they like spending a lot of time with you, but your conversations are very light, ask yourself, is this what will sustain a relationship and will they be there for the bad times?

Fact about me.

I write to express myself. I write to share and in hopes that it will benefit someone else or inspire someone else. I also write for therapy. Me dating this guy lasted less than two months. I began the demise of our relationship by writing him that I didn’t appreciate how he spoke to me the last two days we were together. I’ve finally learned to speak up for myself, but he didn’t take it well. I thought we could work through it, if he could only be more chill about things, but I started the ball rolling and my intuitive self knew we’d never be together because inherently I knew something was off. After his three week vacation, he took some space, which really broke us apart. Even though a part of me was so into getting so much attention from him and feeling like he was so into me because we communicated every day, all day, and we saw each other a lot, something was not right. We communicated and after he made the break up all about me, I finally got it. He had always wanted me to really get him, and I finally had. Everything made sense. Even things or examples I’m not going to write about.

Why I share this, is because I think I should have seen it from the start. I’ve known a narcissist my whole life. Even though I just figured out less than 10 years ago that she was one, I’ve known her for forever. I have another family member that also became one, or maybe she was always one. I’ve dated men and been involved with one that made our lives revolve around their’s. I recently told my therapist that I was always attracted to cocky men, but in the last decade or so, I find it revolting. I pride myself on being humble and find it unattractive when people are so self-absorbed and self-centered, not thinking of others. So, part of me has thought over this last month or so, I should have know better.

It took my thought process a little longer. But, my intuition knew. It has always guided me. It has known many outcomes way before they happen or I realize what is going on. My intuition has been that little voice at times telling me what is going to happen, so that I can be ready for it. I’ve learned to be more open over the years and let my gut speak or question things out loud or to my brain, so it saves me time or pain. I wish to work on this more. I don’t want to go on and on narcissistic people or why they are the way they are. I wish them peace. I do wish to dive into becoming more in-tune to listening to my gut and embracing my intuition. I am so thankful for my intuitive self that has been so present in my life and that knows better despite everything!

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I'm passionate about kindness and learning from past mistakes. I'm a photographer, writer, author, survivor, ACoA, and single mom.

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